april 15th, 2011
my parent and step parent seem to disappear every 4 or 5 months with some work related excuse for a vacation to a warm tropical climate with lots of other almost old folk. I’d never considered hosting a party when the couple i live with decided to leave, but on one occasion, i did.
i couldn’t explain to you why i did such a thing. I just felt like it was the right thing to do. Something either convinced me or planted the idea and i would have it no other way.
the way i planned it probably helped me get away with it. i would allow no one in that i didn’t personally know. except amdur(yes, this is a fake name) but she was “girl’s” best friend, so i trusted her. the days leading up to the event held a lot of planning that i meticulously combed over in my head. i needed…
1. alcohol for all that were in attendance(the hockey team was helpful in this feat)
2. my empty house
thorough planning, i know. but i didn’t care. i knew i had to funnel people into my basement and keep them there. thats all the plan i was going to worry about until the morning cleanup.
“girl” and i had a really odd friendship at the time. i wanted to call it more than friendship but she wasn’t willing. she didn’t trust men, i don’t blame her. i have a hard time trusting myself. regardless, we were at my empty house hours before this shitding. i, being the not ladies man i am, offered an activity of listening to tame impala. if you’ve ever listened to tame impala or any psych rock or fuzz rock you know that its not great music to put on if you have romantic intentions. i would rather listen to a garbage disposal running on full blast with a chicken bone just teetering on the edge of entering its most certain doom. Regardless, even with my poor music choice we did end up hooking up.
this was the first time we hooked up and only the second girl i had ever kissed. Naturally, i was terrified. as my heart beat the shit out of my ribcage, things seemed (at the time) to have gone well. she told me i was a great kisser (later she revealed what a terrible kisser i had been). in my naive mind i thought that this meant something and she wanted a relationship. i was very wrong. i was also really confused. at the time, there was a very direct correlation between hooking up and wanting a relationship in my brain. i was very wrong.
her friend amdur came over before the rest of my guests. she was high on hash. i forgot the whole reason for even having this party at my dads. Watching “the room” was cover for getting shit faced. so i left the girl and amdur in my house and started my 24 mile round trip for the worst movie ever created. when i returned, there was entire cakes missing and the alcohol already flowing. the girl was drunk. it was 6:30 p.m. and nobody had even showed up yet. it wasn’t her fault though, she is an extreme light weight with any legal or illegal substance. 1 cup of coffee and she shoots to the moon. shortly after, some of our friends started to show up and the party began.
my basement is the ideal place to host an underage drinking party. a large tv, tile floors incase of spills, dinning room table behind 2 shitty couches. its perfect and perfectly white in every shade of the word. amdur brought beer and i had a handle of vodka and a fifth of rum. the rum went the fastest. i drank far too much and things get fuzzy. the girl left with amdur because she didn’t lie well enough to stay the night. i drank so much that it was decided by me and my close friend pheter that we should go smoke outside of my house. what a horrible idea. being crunk was the most funny experience of my life. i can only tell you what people have told me. i don’t remember much of it.
apparently, i was lying on the floor and could not get up due to me laughing so hard. i was dragged into the elevator my house has for the handicapped and taken to the top floor bathroom. i thought i was going to puke so i rested my head on the toilet only to wake an hour later flat on my back in my bathroom. i got up and went to bed. at the same time, one of my friends puked many times in my mid level toilet. gross.
we never even watched the movie, i was horribly confused about the girl, incredibly hungover, and faced with a monster mess to clean up. my morning sucked.
Hey, thanks for putting me on the couch and feeding me Cheezits after I fell down the stairs. You’re the best. XOXO- girl